Get the latest Rolling Stone new music news, song and album reviews, free music downloads, artist videos pictures, playlists and more. Over 22,000 fans were evacuated from the Tomorrowland music festival in Barcelona on Saturday after an unspecified technical malfunction caused the stage to. Why Your Team Sucks 2. Dallas Cowboys. Some people are fans of the Dallas Cowboys. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Dallas Cowboys. Getting Over Him In Eight Songs Or Less Cartoon Out' title='Getting Over Him In Eight Songs Or Less Cartoon Out' />This 2. Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY. Fuck Jerry. And triple mega fuck Chris Christie with a nacho cheese firehose. Your 2. 01. 6 record LOL who gives a shit lets just skip to the ending Lets see that again. And again. And again. Fuck it, one more angle. Perfect. Jared caught the ball. No matter how rich and powerful Jerry Jones gets, I can always count on his teamAmericas Moral Sewerto turn into a clown show anytime they sniff the postseason. And I can always count on their fans to be absolute scum who are always begging to be humiliated. They lie in wait until the team is good again and take the opportunity to maximize ALL of their insufferability, to remind you just why you despised the Cowboys to begin with. Then, like clockwork, comes the comeuppance, which theyre too stupid to ever see coming. Lose forever. Your coach WHYD YOU SPIKE THE BALL YOU STUPID PRINCETON FUCK Never forget that the Jared Cook catch never could have happened without Jason Garrett ordering his QB to stop the clock on the previous drive. Hell never learn proper game management, and for that Im grateful. Hes the best sleeper agent a Dallas hater could ever ask for. Your quarterback Dak Prescott. Let me tell you whats gonna happen to Dak Prescott this season, now that hes the unquestioned starter and the Cowboys let Tony Romo dangle for three months before he finally decided to screw off and retire to the booth. Any time Dak strugglesand he willDallas fans will IMMEDIATELY beg for Romo to come back. Its a lock. These front running dye jobs are never, ever happy with the QB they have. So if they see ANY trace of slippage from Dak, they will burp and fart and talk about DCs getting tape on him and how he was just a flash in the pan fourth rounder. Its coming. They shat all over Romo, and now theyre gonna shit on YOU, Dak. The first three Dallas games are in primetime by league rules, they must play in primetime 7. If he falters in any of them, Skippy Bayless is gonna run around naked with CAN DAK REALLY CARRY THIS TEAM ON HIS SHOULDERS Whats new that sucks LOL your running back got suspended. Download Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius Online. Im gonna put all the arguments aside for and against Zeke Elliott getting a stern dose of the Ginger Hammer justice. That whole case is a goddamn mess and the NFL has already royally fucked it up, especially now that we know they ignored the recommendation of their own investigator in the case to NOT suspend Zeke. Jerry was a bullying shitbag through the whole ordeal. Cowboys fans online have gone full Pepe on Zekes accuser. And outside of the case, Zeke just so happened to get himself in the middle of a bar fight and also pulled down a womans shirt and exposed her breast at a public parade. Not a lot of men to root for here. The NFLPA has already filed a restraining order on Zekes behalf kinda ironic, Zeke is suing, and this whole thing only promises to get uglier and uglier, with the truth of the original incidents becoming less and less relevant. So whats important to remember is that something bad happened with the Dallas Cowboys, and it will cast a pall over their entire season, and Jerry is apparently very upset about it, and thats great. I wish Jerry was always as unhappy as he was the moment he got the news. I hope Christie accidentally falls on him in the luxury box and suffocates him to death with hot dog farts. Elsewhere, one of the teams wideouts had his dog kidnapped, and then was arrested for shoplifting in a breathtaking case of mistaken identity. Before his name was cleared, Dallas cut him, because they like to pretend to give a shit about character when it comes to fringe players. Jason Garrett was steamed his 1. After Lucky Whitehead was cleared, they used access merchants and anal lampreys like Albert Breer to smear his name and help cover for their titanic mistake. I hope Whitehead sues them for eleventy billion dollars. In other news, its a given that any Dallas edge rusher will find a way to get himself suspended, so say goodbye to David Irving for the first month of the season. This defense is worthless without him. Half the secondary left. Their two best linebackers have one working ACL between them. So much potential regression. You could hold a diving meet off my erection right now. BOINGGGGGGGGGG What has always sucked I was watching a preseason game and Al Michaels described Jason Witten as Canton bound and you know what No. Fuck that. Fuck Jason Witten. You dont get to go to the Hall of Fame by being the worlds longest lasting, boringest safety outlet. Hes never caught more than 1. TDs in a season. Hes gone over 1,0. Jason Witten blows. They should have replaced him years ago. But theyll still let him into the Hall of Fame because Jerry bought his way in and will probably buy Wittens way in, too. Thats how the NFL works now. Regardless of his tiff with Goodell, Jerry is still the shadow commissioner of this league, and he has remade the whole venture in his image. He engineered the existence of two shitty teams in LA. He runs stadium ops for teams that are not his own. And he has already pioneered new ways to drain local coffers by opening luxury practice facilities. This is a greedy, tacky, corrupt league with no soul at its core. It doesnt really matter if the Cowboys regress this seasonand again, they will. Jerry will still be the kingfish, raking in his money and spending it with all the sensitivity of Marie Antoinette This is the America you live in now. Not only do the bad guys win, they dont even have to sneak around to do it. Everyone knows Jerry has a fixer hmmm. Everyone knows Jerry is horny at all hours. Everyone knows the NFL has a fucked up relationship will local prosecutors in case playersor the league itselfget in a jam. It doesnt matter. You live in an age of naked, unapologetic corruption. No organization is a more fitting exemplar of this than the Dallas Cowboys and their tiresome, Real Housewives casting reject fans. After all, its not just Dallas players that are out here assaulting women. They dont deserve success. They dont deserve happiness. They deserve to have a horse stomp on their throat. Terrance Williams still has no clue when to go out of bounds. Did you know The biggest rapper the Dallas area has ever produced is Vanilla Ice. Also, as my colleague Dan Mc. Quade once noted, the Dallas Cowboys exist because founder Clint Murchisonwho made his money by inheriting it from his old man, who made HIS money skirting oil regulationsbought the rights to Hail To The Redskins and then sold them back to Skins owner and avowed racist George Preston Marshall in a ransom exchange for his expansion vote. This team was born out of shady dealings and will forever wallow in them. What might not suck Yes yes yes the line is very good go fuck yourselves. HEAR IT FROM COWBOYS FANS Tucker Jesus Tapdancing Christ. Taylor Im a Cowboys fan that doesnt live in Dallas. I would rather tell my coworkers what kind of porn I watch than reveal that I am a Dallas Cowboys fan. Mattie I suffer from an auto immune disorder that manifests itself as intermittent chest and stomach pain. It kinda feels like when you really need to burp and your esophagus burns, only always and forever. When the pain gets really bad it can even cause a physical reaction where my airways swell up and I need to take a Xanax just be able to breathe. The two things that make the pain much worse are eating the wrong food and intense stress. Eric Cartman South Park Archives. Eric Theodore Cartman For other uses, see Eric disambiguation. Eric Theodore Cartman, usually referred to as just Cartman, is one of the main characters, along with Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, and Kenny Mc. Cormick. Cartman is sometimes the main antagonist of an episode, for example Trapper Keeper. None of the other three main children really consider Cartman their friend and do not know why they started hanging out with him in the first place, but a certain form of unstable friendship ends up being born between them. However he is usually Kyles first choice when he breaks his friendship with Stan. In earlier episodes, Kenny was his best friend, however, in later seasons, Butters Stotch is usually depicted as such. Cartman was the first one of the boys to be shown without his hat, as seen in Merry Christmas Charlie Manson. He also weighs 9. Weight Gain 4. 00. Background. Concept and Creation. According to the creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, they thought it would be impossible to put a character like Archie Bunker on late 2. But then they came up with the idea that it might be allowed if the character were an animated nine formerly eight year old boy living in the mountain town of South Park, Colorado. Thus, Cartman was born2. Contrary to popular belief that Cartmans name is derived from German war pilot Erich Hartmann which would reflect his love of Hitler and the Nazis, Trey and Matt confirmed in an online interview that Cartmans name is based on someone with the surname Carpman3. Trey Parker and Matt Stone have repeatedly stated that Cartman is their ultimate favorite of all the characters in the show4. Although Cartman is initially modeled after Archie Bunker, Toni Johnson Woods, author of Blame Canada South Park and Contemporary Culture, says that she believes Cartman also draws parallels to Jackie Gleason of The Honeymooners, and Fred Flintstone5. Accomplishments. Over the course of the series, Cartman managed to accomplish a wide range of achievements more than any other character of South Park. Some of them are a success or failure. Roger Ebert Should Lay off the Fatty Foods Wins the Cheesy Poofs singing commercial contest. However, he only got one line Lame in the commercial. Successful Failure. The Red Badge of Gayness Tries to win a bet over Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski, so that they have to be his slaves for a month. Failure, although he did manage to manipulate an entire army of drunken Confederate Civil War actors to almost split apart the US, and never got punished in any way for it Failure. Cartman Joins NAMBLA Proves himself that hes Mature and becomes NAMBLAs poster child, unaware they were pedophiles and only interested on account of his youth. Successful Failure. Scott Tenorman Must Die Had Scott Tenormans parents killed, grounded them up into chili, and fed it to their son. Success, and Failure seeing as he kills his biological father doing this but that didnt seem to bother him when he found out. Cartmanland Bought the theme park with one million dollars he inherited from his grandmother. After selling it back to the original owner, he blew all his money. Failure. Red Hot Catholic Love Proved to Kyle that it is possible to defecate out of the mouth after putting food up the anus. Successful Failure, although he proved to Kyle that his theory worked, Kyle congratulated Cartman which ruined his true intentions Humiliating Kyle by flaunting the money he lost. Christian Rock Hard Forms a band to make a platinum album, but only gets myrrh. Failure. The Passion of the Jew Attempts to start a second Holocaust. But, succeeds in tricking a big crowd to his side for a while. Successful Failure. Something Wall Mart This Way Comes Bets Kyle that when you die you release your bowels. Success. Imaginationland Wins a bet with Kyle, which requires Kyle to suck his balls. He later conjured up an imaginary Kyle, who sucked an imaginary Cartmans balls. Because Kyle said all things imaginary are real, this can be considered a success. Success. Mysterion Rises Became a complete but extremely delusional villain starting by controlling Cthulhu with his cute and cuddly methods and attacks many people and things, starting with hippies, the Jewish Synagogue, and San Francisco. Success. Coon vs. Coon Friends Had Cthulhu destroy the hippie concert of Burning Man, eliminate every single Whole Foods Market, send Coon and Friends to a dark oblivion, murder Justin Bieber, and do more evil. SuccessFailure. Matured slightly by having an extremely delusional episode, which resulted in him murdering his stuffed animals. Success. Youre Not Yelping Pretended to be a food critic to get free food. Success. Criminal Record. Cartman is notable for having a very large criminal record. Although he has committed many atrocities and crimes, he has only been arrested six times. He has been arrested for his mistakenly assumed hate crime, kidnapping Butters, framing Liane for operating a meth lab, being with Stan Marsh on Whale Whores The prison Cartman went to for this assumed crime was Japanese, and incarcerating hippies. He was also arrested for the murders and terrorism of multiple people with Cthulhu, while under the disguise of the Coon, by Kyle, Kenny, Stan, Clyde, Token and Timmy, although they didnt have the authority. Even then he was released almost immediately after his arrest. The real reason why Cartman doesnt stay in prison for a very long time is likely because his Mom bails him out, dismissing the severity of the crime. Another reason why because the town is too incompetent to do anything about it. Cartmans criminal record includes but isnt limited to. Murder In Butt Out, Cartman stabbed Rob Reiner, essentially killing him. This can be considered self defense Reiner had been trying to lynch him by gathering a mob. However, Rob Reiner does appear in a later episode proving he did not actually die. When he flash backed to 1. Im a Little Bit Country, he brutally murdered a messenger boy with a log, although this was in his imagination, and therefore was not a real crime. He was also indirectly responsible for the murder of Mr. Mrs. Tenorman in Scott Tenorman Must Die, and many others in Poor and Stupid. He shot and killed two members of the Chinese Mafia in Wing but that was in self defense. He murdered dozens of people while they were zombies and he didnt have to do that as all he had to do was kill Kenny. He also electrocuted several Mexicans to death with a taser after soaking them in water in The Last of the Meheecans. Prostitution After Kyle caused him to have a severe concussion and amnesia in Cow Days, he begins to think that he was a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming Lee and it is implied that he prostituted himself to Leonardo Di. Caprio. He also did this in Chickenlover and Freak Strike but he did not have sex with anyone but actually pretended to be a prostitute. Vandalism He mentions in The Death of Eric Cartman that he had broken a mans fence without telling him about it. He also destroyed most of the stuff in Butters room with a baseball bat in the same episode. He even did this in AWESOM O when he messed up the entire Stotch house while trying to find a videotape Butters had. He T ped a house in Toilet Paper and The Ring and since Butters was put in jail for it Cartman would have but he was praised instead for being honest. Manslaughter He accidentally bashed Kennys skull in Timmy 2. Though it was the Ritalin side effects and a hallucination, he did not mean to legitimately murder Kenny. When he tried to kill Timmys turkey with a stagelight in Helen Keller The Musical, it accidentally killed Kenny instead due to the fact that he rigged the wrong one.